Sunday, January 04, 2015


There was a lot of application in yesterday's Daily Rock for me.

"Step away from problem solving" she says. Um, okay. A lot of application. Problem solving is what I do. Its how I live. Its part of my coping. Something is going sideways or feels wrong and I automatically think "What did I do?", "How can I fix this?". Often I realize its not me, or my fault, nor can I fix it or make it better, but I still have a habit of trying to... internalize/personalize/own all or part of the problem as though its MY fault and so I end up apologizing, hoping that the other person will see their err too and own their part. So its not really an apology, is it? Its a passive-aggressive way of getting someone else to say they are sorry. Which rarely works. This cycle is true for small, medium and large stuff. 

So her challenge/suggestion for the day was to "step away from problem solving." Um, okay. Luckily I had the chance. "What might that look like?" Kind of like grief. Sort of like being present. Sitting with my innate wisdom was a wee bit weird, since I feel like I should share what I think the problem is so others can have the benefit of my wisdom ;) And so I did it. Kept my wisdom to myself. Sat with it. The simplicity of it was: Its really not my problem to solve. The end. Its my hurt feelings or fear or rejection. But the problem? Not mine.

Yes, its 3am. I start night shift tonite at 5 so I am getting up early so I can go back to bed later and sleep. Hopefully it works. 

I don't like that the Sonora prompts are so late in the day. However, that might actually work out okay since I will be working later ... From yesterday:

Five things that make me happy are:
Sunrises, my kids smiles, taking a walk, Harry taking care of things large or small, being active.
Five of my happiest experiences have been:
Happy experiences - hmmm... I have an image of sitting on the beach at Pearrygin in my head. Whenever I come home to a clean house, dinner made or something like that. Doing something that makes the kids happy - when I don't do it with a grumpy attitude. 
Five shared happy moments with others include: Oh, that's the stuff I just listed. 
What other feeling words describe happy for you? Peaceful. Quiet. Fun.
I think I am afraid of "happy." I don't quite know why. Maybe because for so many years I had this thing about expectations and not having them so I didn't get disappointed, so happy is kind of hard to find. A word for another year maybe? Something to be aware of, I guess. Definitely to work on. Mostly my happy stuff seems to be alone stuff.
And yes, I walked yesterday. Day three. 

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