Water, my friend

"Be like water making its way through cracks.

Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it.

If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water.

If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash.

Be water, my friend."

—  Bruce Lee

I have a thing for water. 

I have this question about water: What body of water do you most identify with?

River. Ocean. Lake. 

My answer: Rivers are to unpredictable and noisy. They also lead ... somewhere. Oceans are too moody and noisy and expansive. I like a lake. Surrounded, calm, peaceful.

Resist

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it.

Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

— Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

I love that quote ^^ Especially this part "But water always goes where it wants to go ...you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it." 

I am resisting… Getting out today. I don't know why. Its a beautiful day, fresh snow ... I guess I don't want to go alone. Which is weird. I love my alone time. I also don't feel 100%. 

What’s not flowing is… Using these journal prompts. I don't know why. Perhaps I didn't have a specific goal - write every day, write 10 minutes a day, or whatever. Also not flowing, schoolwork. UGH! At least this time it was only 4 missing assignments. Yeah, that's every assignment from last week. Not a one of them were completed.

What is flowing is… My schedule. Mostly. I'm sleeping well, the work group is awesome, and quiet, fairly drama free and fun. 

When I remember that I am made of water… I never really thought about it. How can I apply being half water to anything? Maybe I do and just didn't have the words for it? I don't see myself as the type of person who routinely gets hung up on stuff. If I want to figure it out, I do. I go around it.

Flowing around obstacles means… Breaking rules. Thinking outside the box. Looking at the issue/problem from all angles. Not getting stuck. Being patient. Asking for help. 

W(h)ine

I have that wine tour thing on my mind again. I cant remember what pricked it today, but something did on my way home from work. I made mental notes of what my sister said at dinner about the rental car places and college students doing the work for me. I wonder what it would take to try and fail or try and succeed. Like how I think I am going to fail first? Anyway, its still there, bobbling around in my brain.

Also in my brain: another renovation. This time our house. The living room is actually coming together, I finally found some lighting I love, we found a pair of couches we like. Looking for end tables and a new dining room light, window and window coverings and then I think the work upstairs is done.

DOWNSTAIRS though is another story. We took out the wall between the laundry room and the bedroom next to it to create a larger, more useful utility room. My dream room has large counters for folding laundry and crafts, under counter storage; bins, drawers, and shelves for things like paper towels, dry the car towels, the kids and my craft junk and the printer. I don't know if I will get it all, but I'm gonna push for it :) Part of the plan is to leave it bedroom-enough it could be converted back into a bedroom if someone wanted to... Also on the agenda is getting that other room renovated to be a more usable space for watching TV and the kids to hang out. It's gonna take a lot more creativity from me I think. Maybe I can be in charge of designing the utility room and Harry can have the other room? Seems fair, right?

Friday is...

Hockey day! Boy was it great to get back out on the ice :) I have missed hockey and the tribe of women I play with. It was nice to go back, feel missed, be noticed and welcomed by them.

I'm not feeling the Sonora prompts. Maybe I just have too much else going on to sit and think about her questions, maybe I feel like I need answers to all of them instead of just one, maybe its just not what I need right now. 

My Daily Rock tells me to commit or move on today. Maybe I will decide to quit Sonora for now. And it feels good. Put a smile on my face. I LOVE this part of the quote "The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision." End of story. No "it was meant to be", no "it is what it is". Everything just falls into place.

So, my first night shift week: it went pretty good. I didn't sleep well every day, but I did sleep well some days. I am committed to listening to my tiredness and answering it with naps, which I did after hockey today. A couple hours in my bed did me wonders! I left two hours early on Wednesday night, because we were overstaffed, but I think I just need to stick it out, it messed up my sleep. The kids, especially Hannah, have been having a time with it. Hopefully she will reach acceptance soon. Hmmm, there's a thought; I've come to realize that there is grief in almost every change because there is some kind of loss, I need to remember to be more little gentle with her, she might be grieving, a little bit, the loss of her Mama.

So the Sonora prompts:

Write about a time when you took a leap into the unknown…

The sea that I’d like to cross is…

If I were to leave solid ground and cross the sea, then…

Interesting how both the Rock and her prompts deal with making a decision.

Daily Rock + Journaling

Journaling

The thoughts that I notice when making my art include… I am easily distracted - but that is true for everything. For example, I copied and pasted these questions, then remembered another small project, then wanted to peruse the online library and then got back to these questions. I also may have had something to eat, checked my email, and instagram ....

The thoughts that get in the way of art-making… The other things I could/should be doing - laundry, dishes, taking a shower and the things I mentioned that I did.

The thoughts that support my art-making… At least I am thinking about it. 

If I let go of thinking of my work as good or bad, then… I guess I don't think of it as "work". It's just another thing I can do with my time. Maybe if I thought of it as work? But that would imply I am making it for someone else, to make money and I really just do whatever art for fun and relaxation and as a creative outlet.

I art I want to make more of is… Hmmm. Whatever strikes my fancy at the time.

Daily Rock:

I actually showed this book to one of my work girls the other day. She wasn't too taken by that particular day's message, but flipped through to a day where "breathe" was the message and shared that she has a temper sometimes (ha! don't we all?) and remembering to breathe would help her with that. Good job Daily Rock.

For today: How can I be someone's angel today? I may have already failed. Hannah has had a time with my night shifts. She is like a toddler with separation anxiety. Clingy, crying, whining, playing sick ... in short, making me crazy. This morning - which means when I have had 2.5 hours of sleep - she was all boo-hooing about not feeling well and how she is sick and has pink eye (which is true, but not a necessity to stay home for anymore) and on and on and on.... I was veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrry impatient. Probably mean. Maybe a lot insensitive. But could I have been her angel by letting her stay home. No. Not really. That would have been the death of ME. Perhaps I can be more of an angel after school?

I may or may not go back to the journal questions I missed. Right now? Nah.

What day is it?

So yesterday just slipped by me. I had trouble day-sleeping, then finally was deep in sleep when my alarm went off. Found out that Hannah might have pink eye so I needed to take her to the Dr. after school - Walk in clinic is always a fun time in the late afternoon... Then to the pharmacy and home to make dinner and off to work. So -- no journaling, no walk. I keep thinking I might do the journaling at work, but I am afraid I might get caught - as in someone will walk into the break room, see me typing and want to know what I'm writing about... It could happen! Ya, and monkeys might fly out my ass. AND, the journal prompts are all messed up, so I have a lot of excuses, but this one is the real one: 

"our intuitive, creative brains (and hearts) adore ink on paper." I think that's the real reason. I like writing on paper. That's what I spent last year doing.

When I create from my heart…

When I create from my head…

The difference between creating from my heart and my head is…

What I’ve learned about heart vs. head creating is…

Simple

There was a lot of application in yesterday's Daily Rock for me.

"Step away from problem solving" she says. Um, okay. A lot of application. Problem solving is what I do. Its how I live. Its part of my coping. Something is going sideways or feels wrong and I automatically think "What did I do?", "How can I fix this?". Often I realize its not me, or my fault, nor can I fix it or make it better, but I still have a habit of trying to... internalize/personalize/own all or part of the problem as though its MY fault and so I end up apologizing, hoping that the other person will see their err too and own their part. So its not really an apology, is it? Its a passive-aggressive way of getting someone else to say they are sorry. Which rarely works. This cycle is true for small, medium and large stuff. 

So her challenge/suggestion for the day was to "step away from problem solving." Um, okay. Luckily I had the chance. "What might that look like?" Kind of like grief. Sort of like being present. Sitting with my innate wisdom was a wee bit weird, since I feel like I should share what I think the problem is so others can have the benefit of my wisdom ;) And so I did it. Kept my wisdom to myself. Sat with it. The simplicity of it was: Its really not my problem to solve. The end. Its my hurt feelings or fear or rejection. But the problem? Not mine.

Yes, its 3am. I start night shift tonite at 5 so I am getting up early so I can go back to bed later and sleep. Hopefully it works. 

I don't like that the Sonora prompts are so late in the day. However, that might actually work out okay since I will be working later ... From yesterday:

Five things that make me happy are:

Sunrises, my kids smiles, taking a walk, Harry taking care of things large or small, being active.

Five of my happiest experiences have been:

Happy experiences - hmmm... I have an image of sitting on the beach at Pearrygin in my head. Whenever I come home to a clean house, dinner made or something like that. Doing something that makes the kids happy - when I don't do it with a grumpy attitude. 

Five shared happy moments with others include: Oh, that's the stuff I just listed. 

What other feeling words describe happy for you? Peaceful. Quiet. Fun.

I think I am afraid of "happy." I don't quite know why. Maybe because for so many years I had this thing about expectations and not having them so I didn't get disappointed, so happy is kind of hard to find. A word for another year maybe? Something to be aware of, I guess. Definitely to work on. Mostly my happy stuff seems to be alone stuff.

And yes, I walked yesterday. Day three. 

The other thing

My sister and I also signed up for a journaling-ecourse-thing. 

Yesterdays prompts:

What I know about my own creative beginnings is… not much. I would say my Grandma had a lot to do with them, I remember cutting and pasting from magazines, which I have recently gotten back into ... But I spent MANY years doing nothing, for no particular reason except maybe it seemed silly or felt like a waste of time and then, soon, I forgot I had even been creative. 

The idea of starting to write brings up… Memories of high school English which reminds me of high school which I really didn't dig so it kind of brings up icky feelings because its sitting in my brain like an "assignment". I've never written to put a story on paper, except as an assignment, I have journaled for years to get out what I have trouble saying to people. I guess I need to wrap my brain around writing to write, not as an assignment.

What gets in my way when I want to write (or do something new)… EVERYTHING! I need to cook, clean, take down Christmas, take the kids to the movies, take a walk, draw a picture (I don't draw!) take a picture, figure out a new editing program, anything but write!

Make those obstacles into a list, titled No Matter What No matter what, I will spend a few minutes each day writing in January.

Today is:

I feel joy when… I take (what I think is) an awesome picture because I stopped. I was present ;)

Things that move my soul…My soul? What moves my soul? 

The river moving in me is… Does she mean what is that thing that gives me joy? Moves my soul? Hmmm, I guess I don't know.

WoTY - Presence

Happy New Year!

I think its time to start writing in this space again. I feel like I should do some kind of update, but nothing changed. I still work, I still have kids, I still don't get enough sleep! I will share that for 2015 my Word of The Year is Presence with grow, sensual, listen, delight, surrender, becoming and expand chasers. Presence has been with me since fall, the other words appeared through creating a mandala. As usual I don't know where these words lead, but I definitely feel them working already.

Last years words were "home and intensity", which led to a lot of home projects; new shed, new party space outside, lots of parties! Some work in the front yard (more to come) and, right before Christmas the realization My Honey and I HATED our living space. The living room specifically, so we set to changing it. And now we enjoy it much more and it created an INDOOR party space which we used many times during Christmas. Intensity played out by reminding me to be more or less (usually less) intense in life. With kids, with co-workers, with myself.

My lovely sister gave me a couple wonderful books for my birthday in November, one is YOUR DAILY ROCK by Patti Digh. I've internet-stalked her a bit, love her art and words. In the past we have done daily books together, and so we go at it again! So lets see what she has to say for today:

Permission. Its about permission. Hmm, permission to screw up, permission to take a time out, permission to be gentle with myself. OR permission to have fun, to take Hannah to the movies, to take a walk and permission to enjoy it.

What will I give myself permission to do? Take a walk.
Right. Now.