Water, my friend

"Be like water making its way through cracks.

Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it.

If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water.

If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash.

Be water, my friend."

—  Bruce Lee

I have a thing for water. 

I have this question about water: What body of water do you most identify with?

River. Ocean. Lake. 

My answer: Rivers are to unpredictable and noisy. They also lead ... somewhere. Oceans are too moody and noisy and expansive. I like a lake. Surrounded, calm, peaceful.

Resist

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it.

Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

— Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

I love that quote ^^ Especially this part "But water always goes where it wants to go ...you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it." 

I am resisting… Getting out today. I don't know why. Its a beautiful day, fresh snow ... I guess I don't want to go alone. Which is weird. I love my alone time. I also don't feel 100%. 

What’s not flowing is… Using these journal prompts. I don't know why. Perhaps I didn't have a specific goal - write every day, write 10 minutes a day, or whatever. Also not flowing, schoolwork. UGH! At least this time it was only 4 missing assignments. Yeah, that's every assignment from last week. Not a one of them were completed.

What is flowing is… My schedule. Mostly. I'm sleeping well, the work group is awesome, and quiet, fairly drama free and fun. 

When I remember that I am made of water… I never really thought about it. How can I apply being half water to anything? Maybe I do and just didn't have the words for it? I don't see myself as the type of person who routinely gets hung up on stuff. If I want to figure it out, I do. I go around it.

Flowing around obstacles means… Breaking rules. Thinking outside the box. Looking at the issue/problem from all angles. Not getting stuck. Being patient. Asking for help. 

W(h)ine

I have that wine tour thing on my mind again. I cant remember what pricked it today, but something did on my way home from work. I made mental notes of what my sister said at dinner about the rental car places and college students doing the work for me. I wonder what it would take to try and fail or try and succeed. Like how I think I am going to fail first? Anyway, its still there, bobbling around in my brain.

Also in my brain: another renovation. This time our house. The living room is actually coming together, I finally found some lighting I love, we found a pair of couches we like. Looking for end tables and a new dining room light, window and window coverings and then I think the work upstairs is done.

DOWNSTAIRS though is another story. We took out the wall between the laundry room and the bedroom next to it to create a larger, more useful utility room. My dream room has large counters for folding laundry and crafts, under counter storage; bins, drawers, and shelves for things like paper towels, dry the car towels, the kids and my craft junk and the printer. I don't know if I will get it all, but I'm gonna push for it :) Part of the plan is to leave it bedroom-enough it could be converted back into a bedroom if someone wanted to... Also on the agenda is getting that other room renovated to be a more usable space for watching TV and the kids to hang out. It's gonna take a lot more creativity from me I think. Maybe I can be in charge of designing the utility room and Harry can have the other room? Seems fair, right?

Friday is...

Hockey day! Boy was it great to get back out on the ice :) I have missed hockey and the tribe of women I play with. It was nice to go back, feel missed, be noticed and welcomed by them.

I'm not feeling the Sonora prompts. Maybe I just have too much else going on to sit and think about her questions, maybe I feel like I need answers to all of them instead of just one, maybe its just not what I need right now. 

My Daily Rock tells me to commit or move on today. Maybe I will decide to quit Sonora for now. And it feels good. Put a smile on my face. I LOVE this part of the quote "The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision." End of story. No "it was meant to be", no "it is what it is". Everything just falls into place.

So, my first night shift week: it went pretty good. I didn't sleep well every day, but I did sleep well some days. I am committed to listening to my tiredness and answering it with naps, which I did after hockey today. A couple hours in my bed did me wonders! I left two hours early on Wednesday night, because we were overstaffed, but I think I just need to stick it out, it messed up my sleep. The kids, especially Hannah, have been having a time with it. Hopefully she will reach acceptance soon. Hmmm, there's a thought; I've come to realize that there is grief in almost every change because there is some kind of loss, I need to remember to be more little gentle with her, she might be grieving, a little bit, the loss of her Mama.

So the Sonora prompts:

Write about a time when you took a leap into the unknown…

The sea that I’d like to cross is…

If I were to leave solid ground and cross the sea, then…

Interesting how both the Rock and her prompts deal with making a decision.

Daily Rock + Journaling

Journaling

The thoughts that I notice when making my art include… I am easily distracted - but that is true for everything. For example, I copied and pasted these questions, then remembered another small project, then wanted to peruse the online library and then got back to these questions. I also may have had something to eat, checked my email, and instagram ....

The thoughts that get in the way of art-making… The other things I could/should be doing - laundry, dishes, taking a shower and the things I mentioned that I did.

The thoughts that support my art-making… At least I am thinking about it. 

If I let go of thinking of my work as good or bad, then… I guess I don't think of it as "work". It's just another thing I can do with my time. Maybe if I thought of it as work? But that would imply I am making it for someone else, to make money and I really just do whatever art for fun and relaxation and as a creative outlet.

I art I want to make more of is… Hmmm. Whatever strikes my fancy at the time.

Daily Rock:

I actually showed this book to one of my work girls the other day. She wasn't too taken by that particular day's message, but flipped through to a day where "breathe" was the message and shared that she has a temper sometimes (ha! don't we all?) and remembering to breathe would help her with that. Good job Daily Rock.

For today: How can I be someone's angel today? I may have already failed. Hannah has had a time with my night shifts. She is like a toddler with separation anxiety. Clingy, crying, whining, playing sick ... in short, making me crazy. This morning - which means when I have had 2.5 hours of sleep - she was all boo-hooing about not feeling well and how she is sick and has pink eye (which is true, but not a necessity to stay home for anymore) and on and on and on.... I was veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrry impatient. Probably mean. Maybe a lot insensitive. But could I have been her angel by letting her stay home. No. Not really. That would have been the death of ME. Perhaps I can be more of an angel after school?

I may or may not go back to the journal questions I missed. Right now? Nah.

What day is it?

So yesterday just slipped by me. I had trouble day-sleeping, then finally was deep in sleep when my alarm went off. Found out that Hannah might have pink eye so I needed to take her to the Dr. after school - Walk in clinic is always a fun time in the late afternoon... Then to the pharmacy and home to make dinner and off to work. So -- no journaling, no walk. I keep thinking I might do the journaling at work, but I am afraid I might get caught - as in someone will walk into the break room, see me typing and want to know what I'm writing about... It could happen! Ya, and monkeys might fly out my ass. AND, the journal prompts are all messed up, so I have a lot of excuses, but this one is the real one: 

"our intuitive, creative brains (and hearts) adore ink on paper." I think that's the real reason. I like writing on paper. That's what I spent last year doing.

When I create from my heart…

When I create from my head…

The difference between creating from my heart and my head is…

What I’ve learned about heart vs. head creating is…

Simple

There was a lot of application in yesterday's Daily Rock for me.

"Step away from problem solving" she says. Um, okay. A lot of application. Problem solving is what I do. Its how I live. Its part of my coping. Something is going sideways or feels wrong and I automatically think "What did I do?", "How can I fix this?". Often I realize its not me, or my fault, nor can I fix it or make it better, but I still have a habit of trying to... internalize/personalize/own all or part of the problem as though its MY fault and so I end up apologizing, hoping that the other person will see their err too and own their part. So its not really an apology, is it? Its a passive-aggressive way of getting someone else to say they are sorry. Which rarely works. This cycle is true for small, medium and large stuff. 

So her challenge/suggestion for the day was to "step away from problem solving." Um, okay. Luckily I had the chance. "What might that look like?" Kind of like grief. Sort of like being present. Sitting with my innate wisdom was a wee bit weird, since I feel like I should share what I think the problem is so others can have the benefit of my wisdom ;) And so I did it. Kept my wisdom to myself. Sat with it. The simplicity of it was: Its really not my problem to solve. The end. Its my hurt feelings or fear or rejection. But the problem? Not mine.

Yes, its 3am. I start night shift tonite at 5 so I am getting up early so I can go back to bed later and sleep. Hopefully it works. 

I don't like that the Sonora prompts are so late in the day. However, that might actually work out okay since I will be working later ... From yesterday:

Five things that make me happy are:

Sunrises, my kids smiles, taking a walk, Harry taking care of things large or small, being active.

Five of my happiest experiences have been:

Happy experiences - hmmm... I have an image of sitting on the beach at Pearrygin in my head. Whenever I come home to a clean house, dinner made or something like that. Doing something that makes the kids happy - when I don't do it with a grumpy attitude. 

Five shared happy moments with others include: Oh, that's the stuff I just listed. 

What other feeling words describe happy for you? Peaceful. Quiet. Fun.

I think I am afraid of "happy." I don't quite know why. Maybe because for so many years I had this thing about expectations and not having them so I didn't get disappointed, so happy is kind of hard to find. A word for another year maybe? Something to be aware of, I guess. Definitely to work on. Mostly my happy stuff seems to be alone stuff.

And yes, I walked yesterday. Day three. 

The other thing

My sister and I also signed up for a journaling-ecourse-thing. 

Yesterdays prompts:

What I know about my own creative beginnings is… not much. I would say my Grandma had a lot to do with them, I remember cutting and pasting from magazines, which I have recently gotten back into ... But I spent MANY years doing nothing, for no particular reason except maybe it seemed silly or felt like a waste of time and then, soon, I forgot I had even been creative. 

The idea of starting to write brings up… Memories of high school English which reminds me of high school which I really didn't dig so it kind of brings up icky feelings because its sitting in my brain like an "assignment". I've never written to put a story on paper, except as an assignment, I have journaled for years to get out what I have trouble saying to people. I guess I need to wrap my brain around writing to write, not as an assignment.

What gets in my way when I want to write (or do something new)… EVERYTHING! I need to cook, clean, take down Christmas, take the kids to the movies, take a walk, draw a picture (I don't draw!) take a picture, figure out a new editing program, anything but write!

Make those obstacles into a list, titled No Matter What No matter what, I will spend a few minutes each day writing in January.

Today is:

I feel joy when… I take (what I think is) an awesome picture because I stopped. I was present ;)

Things that move my soul…My soul? What moves my soul? 

The river moving in me is… Does she mean what is that thing that gives me joy? Moves my soul? Hmmm, I guess I don't know.

WoTY - Presence

Happy New Year!

I think its time to start writing in this space again. I feel like I should do some kind of update, but nothing changed. I still work, I still have kids, I still don't get enough sleep! I will share that for 2015 my Word of The Year is Presence with grow, sensual, listen, delight, surrender, becoming and expand chasers. Presence has been with me since fall, the other words appeared through creating a mandala. As usual I don't know where these words lead, but I definitely feel them working already.

Last years words were "home and intensity", which led to a lot of home projects; new shed, new party space outside, lots of parties! Some work in the front yard (more to come) and, right before Christmas the realization My Honey and I HATED our living space. The living room specifically, so we set to changing it. And now we enjoy it much more and it created an INDOOR party space which we used many times during Christmas. Intensity played out by reminding me to be more or less (usually less) intense in life. With kids, with co-workers, with myself.

My lovely sister gave me a couple wonderful books for my birthday in November, one is YOUR DAILY ROCK by Patti Digh. I've internet-stalked her a bit, love her art and words. In the past we have done daily books together, and so we go at it again! So lets see what she has to say for today:

Permission. Its about permission. Hmm, permission to screw up, permission to take a time out, permission to be gentle with myself. OR permission to have fun, to take Hannah to the movies, to take a walk and permission to enjoy it.

What will I give myself permission to do? Take a walk.
Right. Now.

30 Years Later

I waited thirty years for this... A Rick Springfield concert!!! So worth it!!

Oh yes! He was that close, and sweaty, so I let everyone else touch him. But I could have!!! What a great night :)

Definitely worth the wait. 

Day 31

For the past 30 days I've been a runner. One of my hockey gals posted on FB that she wanted to do a 30 day run challenge, the only rule was a minimum of a mile. I figured I could eek out a mile each day, so why not? And I did it. I eeked out a mile each day. Sometimes two or three!  I was reviewing my stats, because that's what RunKeeper is for, right? and here is what I found:

Day one I ran a mile at a very slow 13:08 pace.
Day 31 I ran two miles at a 11:40 pace. Improvement.
My longest run was on the 11th, it was just over 3.5 miles and we were going at a 11:49 pace including a couple walk breaks.

Those stats aren't super impressive, most of the other gals were going 3-5 miles and their pace varied from 8:00-10:00. So I am super slow, but I did it. Every day. For 30 days.

Today I am resting!

I am also getting ready for the next 30 day challenge - ABS. We start tomorrow. I set my alarm to get up early to do it.

First 2013 Hike

My Honey suggested we go on a hike Saturday so we did. Hannah isn't quite up to 4 miles, but Bubba is, so we left her with the Grands and off the boys and I went. Despite the wind gusts of 85 mph (okay, I might be exaggerating a little), and a fast retreat to beat the rain, it was a really nice hike.

The wind was blowing that waterfall UP the rocks

One of the lakes we found

The looming weather blowing our way

The boys and I

The growly clouds gobbling up the sun

Wrap Up

Its time to do a 2013 wrap up. I've been thinking about it, thinking about and sharing my 2014 words (intensity and home --yes, home), and trying to decide how to handle blogging.

But first, a story. Because I really want to remember this one.

Last week my Lori was in town so we got together with Mom and Auntie and Michelle for dinner. As dinner ended, we were just sitting in the restaurant talking when the conversation turned to our kids. How the boys would probably be living at home in the basement when they're 25 (hee hee, ha ha) and my Mom then says how "Hannah will probably end up pregnant" to which I said "THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME!" as I looked her straight in the eyes, because for some reason, humor seemed the best way to deal with it. It was honestly my first instinct instead of anger.

Her reply is priceless: "Renee, why would you say that?"

To which I say, "Really Mom? I'm not quite sure how else to respond to that comment." Looking at her like shes a dolt. Which she is.

We finished dinner and our drinks. I left. The End.

But for some reason I can't get over this conversation. Several things occur to me. First, I didn't respond out of anger, nor have I felt any toward her. Something has shifted (thank goodness). Second, that comment is so Kris. That is what I grew up with. Third, why didn't we call her out about the comments about the boys? What is the difference, really? And finally, I think this story sums up 2013 pretty well. I kept my ego in check, and I left happy.

So about 2014. Intensity and home.

I think that intensity is two-fold. Some things I need to be MORE intense about and some things LESS intense about. The trick is knowing which is which. And home. Interestingly, I bought a new book, Happier At Home by Gretchen Rubin (sound familiar? like The Happiness Project?) and when Lori saw it she asked if "home" was my word for the year, so I thought why not? Our money plans this year are all home project kinds of things (tree removal, exterior paint, doors) and why not use 2014 to create a better inside home environment too? Again, Rubin's book explores a theme a month, so I am going to go with it. Her home project actually began in September and ran the school year, but I am going with January through September. See what happens.

So For January, the focus is possessions. My focus will be having what I need, needing what I have. For example, we are doing a LOT more cooking so for Christmas we got new pans -- having what we need. And going through all those boxes in the basement. Do I really need notes from my BFF from high school? Letters from an x-boyfriend? (Needing what I have). I think if I apply some intensity to this project I can get through it quickly! See, its all related ;)

Oh, and I am on a quest to run every day for 30 days (one mile minimum) and to get some Yoga in my life!

Catching Up

So, lets see. The past month.

I put in for a promotion at work. I lost.

All-in-all the experience was good. I hadn't interviewed or updated my resume or any of that crap in YEARS. The thing about me is, I don't do well trying to focus on two things at once, most of the time. For instance, I was working on my resume and totally spaced off the doctor's appointment for Hannah. Dinner was non-existent for two weeks or so while I debated the pros and cons of this position. The kids' school work went down the tubes, I don't know what else I lost track of. Bills, laundry, cleaning.

I made it to the second round interviews (so I didn't totally suck). THE DAY of the second round, as I waited to hear back, my son came home from school with very bad reports. A failed reading test (or was it two), several missing assignment (WTH?!! we worked on those!!), and I don't remember what else and I was seriously thinking "There is no way I can take this job" when the phone rang. "I'm sorry, The Boss didn't choose you." ... "S'okay, I couldn't have said 'yes' after the way the past hour has been. Thank you for the opportunity."

Truthfully, I am a little bummed. Still. BUT, I am very glad I went through the process, I definitely remembered a few things about myself (that pesky can't-do-two-things-at-once-thing) and I learned that I can go through the whole thing with few champions. I only shared with a few people that I was even trying. It was definitely challenging my own ego by keeping it quiet. I had some solid counsel though, but made sure the decision was my own. In the end, a really good experience. Will I try again in six months or whenever? I'm not sure. Am I okay with who they chose? It doesn't matter. Can't change it, can I? And trust me, I struggled with that for an entire week. I hate to say it, but "it is what it is." Best quote of the whole thing? I got the call for a second interview, I was telling the kids and my Hannah says "Mom, they accepted you." She has no idea how much those words meant to me. Stopped me in my tracks. It's all I want in life, to be accepted.

Fast forward to November 12, I turned 43. Holy crap. Forty Three. What have I accomplished? Well. Not a whole lot, but I have finally arrived at the place where I don't really care. I take care of myself, I take care of my family (unless I am applying for a job) and I like where I am. I like who I am (finally) and screw those of them who don't like me. I'm totally digging my 40's, wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything.  It was a totally uneventful day. I actually worked a short overtime shift because everyone else was either working or in school, so what was I gonna do? Sit home and feel sorry for myself? Nope. So I worked.

The previous weekend I took Hannah to the West Side of the State for HER birthday. She has been saving for an American Girls Doll. Seriously, could I have a more girly-girl? So we made a weekend of it. Friday after school we left, Monday we came home. The in-between times were spent shopping, hiking, driving and shopping. The American Girls Doll stores are an Experience. They have everything a girl could want for her doll. Beds, accessories, clothing a hair salon. Yes, a hair salon for dolls. An Experience. Oh, and they have a Bistro so you can fuel up for more shopping. We did the whole she-bang. Shopping, Bistro (with a birthday package), more shopping and a hotel. What a weekend.

Those are the big things from the past month. I know there were some smaller things thrown in there, but ... well.

Word of the year

It's about this time of year that a word just starts bobbling around in my head and usually becomes Word of the Year for the next year. 

The word? Intense/intensity. I'm not sure where it leads, I never am. I never thought lthis past years work on Ego would lead me where I'm going next week... 

... More on that later, but here is a picture that could say it all. 

Between the pipes

I put it out there to my hockey gals that I was thinking about trying goalie. I got an underwhelming response. What I was looking for was someone to say "hey, I would love to help you with that, lets meet ..." and it didn't work that way. So I tried a more direct approach "Hey, I am thinking I would like to try goalie, can you help me." It worked.

Last night I put on the extra 85 pounds of gear and tried it. Historically, I believed my hand-eye coordination was not very good. I based this on years of PE softball (swing and a miss), a few tries at racquetball, and some attempts at golf. Last year though, I started thinking maybe I could check my hand-eye coordination by giving goalie a try. Turns out, I was wrong. I tried the goalie thing last night and I was alright. I blocked a TON of pucks, not 100% but hey, it was my first time. And I got better as the night wore on. I even hung around for the intermediate ladies and shagged a few pucks for them too. Much more challenging, but a ton of fun! As usual, my gals were very patient, had many, many kind words and kept encouraging me which kept me going. Will I do it again? Hells to the yeah!

I have had a similar experience - put it out there, wait for someone to respond - with similar results - no one responds - numerous times. I am learning the direct approach, when used properly, really works. I have had two very positive experiences in the past week by being direct. No easy feat for me, but I tried and it worked and I am encouraged.

Can't Touch This

I spent a summer, years ago, water skiing and hanging with a group of quirky folks. At the end of the season they had acquired several hours of video so they put together a video tape. The background music was "Can't Touch This," and its on the radio right now, so I took a little walk down memory lane for about 3 minutes and 45 seconds. Good times. That was a fun group. No, I don't run around with any of them anymore. It was a one season thing.

I was up early (twice) this morning. The first time was to rescue my SIL from the Amtrak station. Her train was five hours late. The second time was for hockey. Yes, its that time of year again. I actually did a few private lessons with one of my coaches during the summer and practiced a few times (!) so I felt ready to start, but WOW! It's hard, hard work on  my old-lady body. The cardio required is intense! Sprints! Sprints! Sprints!

We worked on a lot of backward skating today, cross-overs and something else I wanted to remember so I could practice it, but I have already forgotten ... Another old-lady issue. Totally looking forward to this season, we don't have as many gals playing which is too bad, but also good because we will get some great coaching. Not that they aren't always great, but with a smaller group we are each going to get more attention, I think. Not only that, the workouts will be more intense too, not as much waiting for the last people to get done.

So that's hockey. We also have a soccer player right now. Hannah loves soccer, so we signed her up for the fall session. I have resisted, for the past eight years, signing the kids up for anything at the beginning of the school year because getting into the swing of school is usually enough, not only that, I usually have some kind of a schedule change in October, too. But I relented this year. Mostly its been fine. She  We Okay, I had a very bad Saturday last week where we fought and ended up leaving the soccer game. It was  both of us, but really, who is the adult? Not me that day. I acted like an eight year old, too. Very poor Mom performance. We are on track now, and her performance has stepped up so it turned out good. But it was a very. bad. day.

And Bubba. He has really stepped up in the personal responsibility arena. He is taking the bus to and from school every day which requires him to set an alarm, get himself fed and off to the bus on time. So far, not a single day missed! AND he took the initiative to start calling me when he gets home each day. He arrives home 5-35 minutes earlier than I do and I appreciate knowing he is home. I didn't ask him to do this, he just started doing it on day one. I love it. As far as school work goes he is also doing pretty well there too, getting his homework done, reading is still an issue (insert growly face here) but we will get there. It isn't that he can't read, he just doesn't like the types of books that the kids are required to test on. Its an ongoing issue that started in the third grade so we know how to deal with it, but it gets so. old. UGH.

And work. Meh. Not much to say. Lots of changes happening so it will be an interesting end to 2013 and an exciting, growth-filled 2014.

And now, my friends, you are all caught up.

Oh, and this:

I was in a wedding a few weeks ago. It was a super fun time!

New beginnings

So school starts today. Or is supposed to. My dear Hannah has THE. WORST. canker sores in her mouth I have ever seen. She cant talk or smile or even think about having fun because it hurts so bad to move her mouth. So off to the Doctor we go to confirm she has THE. WORST. canker sores. "Here's an Rx for a little something stronger for pain management." Thanks Doc.

Bubba was off to 6th grade tho. A new school, new teachers, new locker, new shoes. He didn't want me to walk in with him, hold his hand as we went down the hall or to kiss him goodbye so I let his dad take him. That way it didn't break my heart. Sixth grade. He will be 12 in December.  My baby is getting so old. Now if he would stop being such a dorky kid!

Do you remember being 12? I think I do. Total dorkiness, can't control yourself emotionally or physically. Weird things going on in your body and mind. Nothing fits. Your legs are too long and your feet are too short, or your feet are too long and your legs are too short and those arms!!! Yeah, he is all that! And lets not even talk about personal cleanliness or his bedroom!

I am looking forward to hearing about his first day at school and the bus ride home!

Just a couple of pictures from last weekend's wedding. It was pretty fun :) Lots of great memories

Me and my youngest sister

She made me dance

Whole bunch of days

Taste, something old (once was my grandmas house), mid day, sacred, hear, Sunday morning and yes. The burrito and coffee cup were both for taste, the quote and birthday cake were both yeses :)