"Am I as spontaneously kind to God as I used to be, or am I only expecting God to be kind to me? ... How much kindness have I shown Him in the past week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation? ... Am I as filled to overflowing with love for Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning, when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him?" My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers daily devotional for January 21.
Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation? Hmmm, depends on what part of my life you are looking at.
The end of the devotional says "...I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me. When this happens, I should allow the shame and humiliation it creates to bring godly sorrow and 'godly sorrow produces repentance ...'(2 Corinthians 7:10)"
Obviously this is speaking to me on a very personal level right now. The thing is, I ain't ready to face the shame, humiliation or repentance right now. My pride is getting in the way.
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In other news, its fricking freezing cold here. I think it was 9 degrees when I went to work this morning. This is part of the 6 weeks of winter where I wish we had a better heat system in the house, instead I have become an expert fire-starter. The fireplace is going almost non-stop either from the time I wake up or from the time I get home after work until I go to bed. Brrrrrr. Thankfully there is no wind or it would be unbearable out. Trouble is it's deceptively beautiful. Bright blue skies, the sun is shining, but its COLD. Since there were no clouds last night with the nearly full moon it was really, really pretty. I was wishing I was out in the sticks taking moon-light photos of snow covered fields or mountains or something. That would have been really (cold) cool.
Showing posts with label revalations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revalations. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
New Year
"One last thing. Resolutions. I don't make resolutions like "I am going to exercise 3 days a week" (although I could use it) or "I am going to eat healthy this year", or even "I will be nicer to my kids." But I do try to make one major mental attitude adjustment. For example one year I just wanted to be more content. So I worked hard at being content. That kind of thing. So this year, and this is hard for me to say, I need to work on obedience/respect. I have a mild issue with authority. My parents, bosses, husband. I would rather not listen to what they are telling me to do (although I want someone to tell me what to do) and do it my way (or not at all). So, that's my new year mental attitude adjustment, to be more obedient and respectful of everyone. Yikes, now its in writing. (Maybe I will just save this as a draft)." From January 3. 2006.
So how did I do? Not too bad I think. I had actually forgotten what I had written until just now. Hmmm, interesting. I made some progress in this arena, and used the words obedient and respect a lot more, but it sounded like I was involved in some kind of abusive relationship, "I am taking this shift because it is being obedient to my husband." Which meant to me that I was listening to his input in my life, and trying to make decisions as a team instead of just making my decisions myself.
I have been thinking about this year as far as a mental attitude adjustment and it goes something like this. I want to make the best of all social situations I am put in. Not hang back and spend the whole time observing, although it is a much more comfortable position for me and I am never bored, I just think it might be time for me to experience life in a different way. So I am putting myself to the test Saturday. We have been invited to a party that is way out of my comfort zone only because I don’t know very many people that will be there. My first baby step is actually going - much to the chagrin of the host. The second will be to try and talk and interact with people I don’t know. ACK!! Did I just say that? I am just such a social dolt. Oh well, I have a whole year to work on it right?
I get so jealous of people like LSL who can meet complete strangers and strike up an hours-long conversation. (Way to go LSL) I would love to get to know others better, I just never seem to know what to say. I can write and ask questions, but the words just never seem to come quick enough. Anyway, I am not beyond being taught or learning something new, so here I go embarking on my most social year ever. Not partying social, but getting to know others social. Wish me luck.
More changes this week at work. I start a new shift with new days off. I will work 5am-3pm and switch from Thursday & Friday off to Monday and Tuesday. It should stay that way for the year. (Unless I demand a re-bid after the guild contract gives me my seniority back.) There is a supervisor position being re-advertised for soon too. Hahaha, not a chance in hell. My Honey said if they approach me I should tell them I will review their offer in writing, that I won't go through the process again because all I got was screwed last time. Not a bad idea. See what obedience has done for me? As if they would even put an offer in writing, they never did last time.
So how did I do? Not too bad I think. I had actually forgotten what I had written until just now. Hmmm, interesting. I made some progress in this arena, and used the words obedient and respect a lot more, but it sounded like I was involved in some kind of abusive relationship, "I am taking this shift because it is being obedient to my husband." Which meant to me that I was listening to his input in my life, and trying to make decisions as a team instead of just making my decisions myself.
I have been thinking about this year as far as a mental attitude adjustment and it goes something like this. I want to make the best of all social situations I am put in. Not hang back and spend the whole time observing, although it is a much more comfortable position for me and I am never bored, I just think it might be time for me to experience life in a different way. So I am putting myself to the test Saturday. We have been invited to a party that is way out of my comfort zone only because I don’t know very many people that will be there. My first baby step is actually going - much to the chagrin of the host. The second will be to try and talk and interact with people I don’t know. ACK!! Did I just say that? I am just such a social dolt. Oh well, I have a whole year to work on it right?
I get so jealous of people like LSL who can meet complete strangers and strike up an hours-long conversation. (Way to go LSL) I would love to get to know others better, I just never seem to know what to say. I can write and ask questions, but the words just never seem to come quick enough. Anyway, I am not beyond being taught or learning something new, so here I go embarking on my most social year ever. Not partying social, but getting to know others social. Wish me luck.
More changes this week at work. I start a new shift with new days off. I will work 5am-3pm and switch from Thursday & Friday off to Monday and Tuesday. It should stay that way for the year. (Unless I demand a re-bid after the guild contract gives me my seniority back.) There is a supervisor position being re-advertised for soon too. Hahaha, not a chance in hell. My Honey said if they approach me I should tell them I will review their offer in writing, that I won't go through the process again because all I got was screwed last time. Not a bad idea. See what obedience has done for me? As if they would even put an offer in writing, they never did last time.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Practical Application
I love to read. I read lots of different stuff. Most recently I am reading The Five Love Languages of Children. Its full of great stuff about how kids (and adults) need to have their "love tank" filled regularly and it goes into the 5 ways that our tanks get full. Physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. I have tried to figure out my own love language on several occasions and I just don't know. Sometimes it seems to this and sometimes that.
Last night I read the chapter on acts of service. It speaks to being a parent which is the ultimate act of service for 18 years plus "active duty" after that. And how exhausting it can be physically, mentally and emotionally. (No kidding).
Fast forward 8 hours or so. I wake up to get going this morning, I go into the kitchen and 3 light bulbs are burnt out. Not just one, but THREE. (I don't know how, it just happened.) Since I am master-light-bulb-changer, I get to work. I get those done, start to make breakfast and Bubba yells to me "Mom I don't have any clean jeans, and I checked the laundry and there aren't any there either." You're kidding me, right? Nope, no clean jeans and nothing in the laundry room either except a BURNT OUT BULB. So I go to work and get that one changed too.
About now I am ready to do some yelling and screaming about how APPARENTLY, I am the only one that knows how to do ANYTHING AROUND HERE, and I remember what I have read about words of affirmation and I wonder who I will destroy if I choose to loose my temper. Because I have been there. I have had my spirit crushed by words thrown out in anger and frustration by an unthinking, reactive parent. And its taken me years to get over it. And I realize that its a strong secondary language for me, but acts of service would probably be numero uno.
Now the challenge of explaining that to My Honey.
The things I am proud of looking back to this morning are that Bubba is self sufficient. He knew where to look and took the initiative to check for jeans before he had a meltdown and that I was able to reach DEEP inside and keep my cool.
Last night I read the chapter on acts of service. It speaks to being a parent which is the ultimate act of service for 18 years plus "active duty" after that. And how exhausting it can be physically, mentally and emotionally. (No kidding).
Fast forward 8 hours or so. I wake up to get going this morning, I go into the kitchen and 3 light bulbs are burnt out. Not just one, but THREE. (I don't know how, it just happened.) Since I am master-light-bulb-changer, I get to work. I get those done, start to make breakfast and Bubba yells to me "Mom I don't have any clean jeans, and I checked the laundry and there aren't any there either." You're kidding me, right? Nope, no clean jeans and nothing in the laundry room either except a BURNT OUT BULB. So I go to work and get that one changed too.
About now I am ready to do some yelling and screaming about how APPARENTLY, I am the only one that knows how to do ANYTHING AROUND HERE, and I remember what I have read about words of affirmation and I wonder who I will destroy if I choose to loose my temper. Because I have been there. I have had my spirit crushed by words thrown out in anger and frustration by an unthinking, reactive parent. And its taken me years to get over it. And I realize that its a strong secondary language for me, but acts of service would probably be numero uno.
Now the challenge of explaining that to My Honey.
The things I am proud of looking back to this morning are that Bubba is self sufficient. He knew where to look and took the initiative to check for jeans before he had a meltdown and that I was able to reach DEEP inside and keep my cool.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Mocha Girl
We went across town today for swim lessons. On the way I NEEDED a latte. (Bad morning). At the latte shop Bubba tells me that the mocha girl is "more beautiful than you" and that he wants to tell her so, will I roll down the window?
Now, understand, this is cute and all but my only son, my first born, my Bubba has just told me that someone is more beautiful than ME. I admit I had a little inner conflict. How do I feel about my 5 year old telling a mocha girl he thinks she is beautiful? How do I feel about him telling me he thinks she is more beautiful than I am? Who else will he think is (more) beautiful than me? Whats so beautiful about HER? Yeah, a little conflicted. In the end I rolled down the window. She was touched, she thought it was cute, and it probably made her day. Imagine a 5 year old telling you in a shy-5-year-old-kind-of-way that he thinks you're beautiful. It was worth it. (Kind of. Still a little conflicted)
Now, understand, this is cute and all but my only son, my first born, my Bubba has just told me that someone is more beautiful than ME. I admit I had a little inner conflict. How do I feel about my 5 year old telling a mocha girl he thinks she is beautiful? How do I feel about him telling me he thinks she is more beautiful than I am? Who else will he think is (more) beautiful than me? Whats so beautiful about HER? Yeah, a little conflicted. In the end I rolled down the window. She was touched, she thought it was cute, and it probably made her day. Imagine a 5 year old telling you in a shy-5-year-old-kind-of-way that he thinks you're beautiful. It was worth it. (Kind of. Still a little conflicted)
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Changed
Well, Bubba came back from Portland a little more .... grown up.
Its kind of strange, he seems a lot more independent since he came home. From that first day of playing in his room alone to sleeping ON THE TOP BUNK to his "aura" he is just a little more grown up. All of a sudden he seems like a big kid, not a small child anymore.
We went for a walk the other morning that passed his new school. As we were talking and passing by he all of a sudden exclaims he has a tummy ache. Curious, he was fine when we left. So I ask him if he might be nervous about going to school, and is that causing his tummy ache? Maybe he says. So we spend a little time talking about it. He was nervous about making friends. So I reminded him of his first days of preschool and how he made friends there. Later that day we had a new babysitter. Bubba had never met her and they hit it off right away. They were chatting it up, becoming fast friends (quite honestly, this happens for him very easily, making friends is the last thing I am worried about when it comes to school). Just before I left for work I noticed a teachable moment.
"Hey," I said looking from him to the babysitter. "What just happened here?"
"I dunno" he replied.
"You made a new friend." I told him. He pondered it a moment and then agreed with a grin that he did. So I told him that's how it would be at school too. That he won't have any trouble at all making new friends.
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Work has been hellacious. Busy and lots of overtime. At least the 12 hour shifts are going by pretty fast. It sucks that they are such the norm and a 10 hour day feels like a short day. And then there's the crap too. I notice myself being sucked in, being a part of the problem. I need to turn it around before it becomes my obsession.
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My dad and his wife and Little D are coming over tomorrow. I really shouldn't be sitting here posting anything, I need to vacuum, sweep, change the guest bed, put away laundry (that is sitting on the guest bed) straighten up the living room, family room, run a cloth through the bathrooms, and do the dishes before I go to work at 1. Seems like maybe I should have kept my Girl Thursday for the summer after all. Maybe I will call her, shoot with all this overtime I should spend it somewhere right? The challenge was leaving he an empty house. Oh yeah, that's right.
Its kind of strange, he seems a lot more independent since he came home. From that first day of playing in his room alone to sleeping ON THE TOP BUNK to his "aura" he is just a little more grown up. All of a sudden he seems like a big kid, not a small child anymore.
We went for a walk the other morning that passed his new school. As we were talking and passing by he all of a sudden exclaims he has a tummy ache. Curious, he was fine when we left. So I ask him if he might be nervous about going to school, and is that causing his tummy ache? Maybe he says. So we spend a little time talking about it. He was nervous about making friends. So I reminded him of his first days of preschool and how he made friends there. Later that day we had a new babysitter. Bubba had never met her and they hit it off right away. They were chatting it up, becoming fast friends (quite honestly, this happens for him very easily, making friends is the last thing I am worried about when it comes to school). Just before I left for work I noticed a teachable moment.
"Hey," I said looking from him to the babysitter. "What just happened here?"
"I dunno" he replied.
"You made a new friend." I told him. He pondered it a moment and then agreed with a grin that he did. So I told him that's how it would be at school too. That he won't have any trouble at all making new friends.
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Work has been hellacious. Busy and lots of overtime. At least the 12 hour shifts are going by pretty fast. It sucks that they are such the norm and a 10 hour day feels like a short day. And then there's the crap too. I notice myself being sucked in, being a part of the problem. I need to turn it around before it becomes my obsession.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dad and his wife and Little D are coming over tomorrow. I really shouldn't be sitting here posting anything, I need to vacuum, sweep, change the guest bed, put away laundry (that is sitting on the guest bed) straighten up the living room, family room, run a cloth through the bathrooms, and do the dishes before I go to work at 1. Seems like maybe I should have kept my Girl Thursday for the summer after all. Maybe I will call her, shoot with all this overtime I should spend it somewhere right? The challenge was leaving he an empty house. Oh yeah, that's right.
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